Dealer's Choice: Facebook Stalking Mamas

Dealer’s Choice: Facebook Stalking Mamas

When I first thought about blogging every day with a different topic for each day of the week, I easily came up with my seven topics. But when I sat down to write about my plan, I had a Rick Perry moment; I could think of six topics, but for the life of me could not think of the seventh. As a result, I decided Saturday would be Dealer’s Choice, a miscellaneous place holder for anything I felt like writing. Then, yesterday, I remembered: Saturday was supposed to be Things I Saw on Facebook. I am going to keep the Dealer’s Choice topic for Saturdays, but it often will be about things on Facebook, usually things that make me crazy. I will start with a post that shows up almost weekly, posted by some of my favorite people. They are sincere, lovely, loving mamas. And yet, this post is so noxious, so wrong, so…..

First the post:

Ok, lovely friends who are wonderful mothers, this does not say what you think it says.

What you think you are saying to your kids

·       I am your mother and that is special and exclusive

·         When you love someone you watch out for them

·         My love will guide you into responsibility

What you are really saying to your kids

·       I am controlling and unpleasant

·         Love is controlling and unpleasant

·         Responsibility is unpleasant

·         You are incompetent

·         The world is not safe for you on your own

·         Our relationship will always be controlling and unpleasant

·         People who are pleasant and agreeable (your friends) don’t care about you

 Come on ladies. This isn’t really how you want to be seen. And it isn’t necessary. You can love your kids, trust your kids, and enjoy your kids, without turning them into hedonistic slackers. Here is what I worry about: how you treat your children teaches them about intimate relationships. Do you want them to associate love with unpleasantness, lack of trust, and controlling behavior? If your 17 year old daughter got this text from her boyfriend, would you be a bit creeped out?

My promise to my girlfriend: I am not your friend. I am your boyfriend. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible partner. You will never find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than I do!

But he is not her mother! Of course not, but you have told her that the highest form of love involves these behaviors. In BOLD print, you state that stalking, controlling, unpleasantness is LOVE.

How about this one from your husband on Valentine’s Day?

My promise to my wife: I am not your friend. I am your husband. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible wife. You will never find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than I do!

I know, you are grown, he wouldn't dare talk to you that way. But you are saying to your kids that this is not just love, but extraordinary, unparalleled love.

One last thought, because all you lovely ladies are good Christian wives and mothers:

I Corinthians

13 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Trust God, trust your kids, and trust yourself. Your are all in the Palm of His Hand. Rest in Him.

Words and Music: Another New Year's Eve

Nourish beginnings, let us nourish beginnings. Not all things are blest, but the seeds of all things are blest. The blessing is in the seed.

Muriel Rukeyser

I have been in school for more than 50 years now. Soon I will have learned enough. Meanwhile, I live my life on what we call an academic calendar. Academics celebrate New Year's in August. So, because the rest of creation is on a calendar which begins the year on January 1, I get to have New Year's twice. Twice a year to get it right, twice a year to reflect, and make resolutions.

January, named after Janus:

"Janus is the Roman god of gates and doors (ianua), beginnings and endings, and hence represented with a double-faced head, each looking in opposite directions. He was worshipped at the beginning of the harvest time, planting, marriage, birth, and other types of beginnings, especially the beginnings of important events in a person's life. Janus also represents the transition between primitive life and civilization, between the countryside and the city, peace and war, and the growing-up of young people"

And you thought you were good at multi-tasking.

Reflecting on all this it occurred to me how melancholic New Year's can be. We get stuck looking behind us, regretting lost opportunities, unfulfilled resolutions, and time which is now gone. Except for the optimists, bless their, shiny little faces. They face the New Year, all aquiver, ready to seek and find, and share all that they savor.

There are those who say that today is the only day we have: yesterday is gone and tomorrow is yet to come. Well, yes, but the roots and buds of yesterday are there for us today, and we are planting seeds, even if we only carry them unknown on our shoes and in our hair.

So another New Year's eve. And Janus-like, I look both ways before crossing the street into 2016.

There aren't many well known New Year's songs. They all sound slightly inebriated. This one is such a song.

.

New year, new blog

I have made a nonbinding resolution to write something everyday. Yet, I know myself. Big plans, no follow through. Attention span of a gnat; although better with Adderall. So, here is the plan. I will have a different thread each day of the week, variety is the friend of ADHD. Here is the plan:

Sundays: Heard It Through the Grapevine- spiritual musings
Mondays: Special Knowledge- teaching, special education, disability awareness, working in higher education
Tuesdays: My Ferrari Brain- Hallowell says people with ADHD have Ferrari brains with bicycle brakes. On Tuesdays I will share about the ADHD experience
Wednesdays: The Shape of Things- my health and fitness journey
Thursdays: A Really Good Yarn- crochet, knit and other artsy stuff
Fridays: Words and Music- quotes and snippets
Saturdays: Dealer's choice

I will link everything to Facebook, I think I will set up a page for it and then subscribe to it on my own page. Maybe. First post will be on Friday, the 1st of January, 2016.

Weight loss journey (republished from Facebook)

I have had two friends message me asking for my diet plan. Two things first : 1. There are tons of diet plans out there. They all work for someone. 2. Weight loss is different for those who are chronically and morbidly obese than for those who have 30 pounds to lose. There are physical, emotional, and cognitive issues that are qualitatively and quantitatively different. I started this journey 12 years ago at somewhere over 320 pounds. I was wearing size 28 clothes. I am 5'8". I now weigh 239 and size 20 clothes are very loose. My goal is to be in healthy BMI , which would be under 164. I want to get there by my 60th birthday - Jan. 2016. I put all that info because I want my plan to be in context. It is a journey. I am in the second leg of the journey.

My weight loss plan Part I: Mindful Eating 2002-2008 (320-264). In this phase I swore off dieting forever. When you read this plan, you will probably want to skip it. I think that for me this was the key that unlocked weight loss. I don't think I could be doing what I am doing now if I had not done this first. Here were my rules (I still follow these as my basic plan).
1. I can eat anything I want but it has to be exactly what I want. If you can learn this, everything else is easy. But this is very hard. I found I ate everything in sight and had no idea what I wanted. Also I misinterpreted my cravings. I would think I was craving pizza- but actually anything with tomatoes would work. I thought I was craving cupcakes, but fruit would work. This rule took years.
2. I had to stop eating before I was full. Takes the brain a bit to register satiety. So I started with just eating half of what was on my plate. This is tied to rule 1. The better I chose what my body wanted, the less food it took to satisfy.
3. Had to eat when I was hungry - even if it was bedtime. But still had to follow rule 1 and 2.
4. Had to eat regularly - three meals a day, minimum. I had such a strange relationship with food. I was always hungry, but feared food.

That was the basic plan. Over 4 years I lost 70 pounds. Then for 4 years, I drifted, became less mindful and gained and lost the same 15 pounds over and over.
Part I Structured Mindfulness August of this year I decided I needed to regroup. At 264, I joined Weight Watchers online for a 3 month jump-start. Kept my rules, but followed WW rules for calorie count and portion control. When that subscription expired, I began using My Fitness Pal for tracking.

What is different?
1. Many people do low carb and it works for them. It does not work for me, I am always hungry when I have tried it . For me, low calorie, low fat works best.
2. My body craves complex flavors and textures. Eating plans with plain chicken breasts and steamed broccoli do not meet rule 1 for me. So I have learned to cook soups, stir fries, casseroles, stews, etc. which are chock full of veggies. I cook two big recipes every weekend and freeze portions so I can grab things on the go. I love veggies and fruit. I eat lots of high fiber grains. I know lots of folks eliminate rice, potatoes, bread. I eat those in moderation. I divide plate in thirds- one for protein, one grain, one veggies or fruit. Recipes are usually half or more veggies.
3. I try not to eat out much. When I do I go for simple dishes that are low fat, where it seems less likely that there are hidden calories. And portion control. Rules 1 and 2
4. I avoid sweets. Rule 1 and 2 strictly enforced!
5. I record everything on My Fitness Pal most days. Try not to skip more than one day a week. If I find if hard to record things, this means I am not being mindful.

If this is all too complicated, I recommend either Weight Watchers or Mayo Clinic online. Or for free WebMD

Political Correctness or Simple Truth

In our special education classes, we talk about handicapism and person-first language. Don't say learning disabled student; say student with a learning disability. Don't say retarded kid; say kid with an intellectual impairment. There are those who say this is just being politically correct, but those of us who work with children with disabilities and their families know how real this difference is.

This was brought home today when I read a post on Facebook from my friend Lane. She was so excited that her wheelchair was delivered.  Now she would be free to do things she wanted to do with much less assistance. Before, she was trapped in a body that wasn't working for her.  Now she is liberated.  Think of that when you hear someone say that a person is confined to a wheelchair.  Far from confined,  they are given wings.

Another View

So, in my last post I began to make my point about the importance of having a record of our days, of being present and accounted for. It was maybe a bit maudlin. So another view of why you should just grin and bear it when the camera comes out.

Can you guess what is so funny? What could make all these people laugh?

I will give you a hint. They are looking at pictures from the holidays, being displayed on the TV screen. Apparently, what they are seeing is sidesplittingly funny.

Are you ready for the reveal?

THAT is NOT a becoming picture. I look fat and old, and my poor brother, well, it probably is best to leave it unsaid. But look at the delight we brought our family. I love this horrible, silly picture, because I watched my family's delight.

Present and Accounted For

Much of my life I have been absent. Or at least tardy. Never quite in the middle of things, yet making myself noticed. This new digital age can be a bit unnerving. Used to be you had family pictures but they weren't particularly good quality. If you squinted just right you could see yourself the way you chose to remember. But with the advent of digital imaging there is a record of all your days in crisp detail. It isn't always flattering.

I never thought of myself as someone who was particularly photogenic. I had assigned myself decades of being fat and unhappy. Years when I was depressed and depressing. But as I have sorted my pictures for 'Throwback Thursdays' on Facebook, I found a strange thing. Yes, there are years of fat pics. But guess what, most of the time I am smiling. And not game face smiles, but genuine big grins.

Last week a friend asked me to take down a picture I had posted of her on Facebook, She said it was not flattering. Of course I did so. Immediately. But it made me sad. Because we need a record of our days. There are pictures we thought nothing of at the time that trigger a whole sequence of memories. We don't know the importance at the time. But years later, we are so glad that picture is there. I will start with one from a very long time ago.

It is not a particularly flattering picture of Nana. She is in a gown with a wad of Kleenex in her hand. You can only see her profile, not her eyes. But you can see how she looked at her dear son, and how much he delighted in her. It was taken on the last visit I had with her. It was some time in the early 80s shortly before she died. We lost Dad 3 years ago. I don't have many pictures of Nana, even fewer with her and Dad. I treasure those pics.

So take my picture, and I will take yours. You have my permission to post any pic of me anywhere. I will promise to only post pics of you I think are flattering. If you ask me to take them down, I will do so. But the computer never forgets!!